Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time