Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.