Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.