[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?