You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Good morning
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.