Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*cough*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways