*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.