*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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Great acting.. 😂
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough