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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Welcome to Twitter. It鈥檚 like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald鈥檚 as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they鈥檙e either interested or you鈥檙e friend zoned.
It鈥檚 hard to tell from this tree.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It鈥檚 basically shitty Christmas.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that鈥檚 the guy who knows where all the treats are
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 馃槶
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
For Halloween I鈥檓 putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can鈥檛 even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia