8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle