*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them