This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I can’t wait!
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?