Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
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I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
peak technology
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.