I’m not wrong
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.