The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!