Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI