love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Lmbo
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.