ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.