NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
S O O N
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.