Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
shut up and take my money
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
@funTweeters I am at your service….