When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
12. I think about this all the damn time
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
i hate you platonically