Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Something Saturday.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.