if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me, in DM rooms…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby