A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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If there are no verbs in your tweet youâre a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet youâre a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then youâre probably a rebel without paws.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isnât baked in the middle
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Why did the chemistâs pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Donât ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: Iâll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because weâre all so pleasant
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, itâs fine
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this đ
i donât want to be the âmain characterâ i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemiesâŚ
Kids are fun.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasnât lived it down.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah thatâs my go to
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back