Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just tested negative for patience.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Flock of bats
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one