got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You Might Also Like
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Easy enough.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
that wasn’t the question
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
There’s only one good girl here!
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.