Happy Caturday!
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
every college guy’s fridge
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win