Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother