i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌