this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy