In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
WWE is French for “yes”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
do u think theres a butter planet?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People