My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero