Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m giving up for Lent.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.