An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
You Might Also Like
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Extremely relatable.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag