You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I feel this so hard
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Bloody internet 😳
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)