Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.