The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”