The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃