Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Shower sex be like:
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.