Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on