I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms