[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Breaking news:
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
accurate
Me :
All Day At Night
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.