[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.