Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
my mind
You just read my mind
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.