It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice