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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
We decided to have money instead of children.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.