Going into Monday like
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
there has never been a better use of this meme
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”