Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
sir, my pâté if you please