I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Meme Monday.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.