Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.